Burnt Out

15 hours a day, 6 days a week, 5am until 9pm. This is my current reality, although quite frankly it hasn’t quite sink in.

After the creative high that I experienced in 2020 working on a business, this so called “9-to-5 job” (5-to-9?) made me realize the one thing that drains me, which is exactly just that: a 9-to-5 job.

Rushing through the day just to get it over with. We have no time to observe the little nuances of life — like how the morning sun rays pierces through the glass windows, casting shadows on the linoleum floor and leaving dust particles floating visibly in the air. Or how quiet and peaceful it is when you sit all alone on the hospital roof, as if the world finally slows down for a change. Or how every person we meet at work has someone they love, waiting for them back at home while they toil away at their job. We become desensitized to our surroundings and every task is just another box to tick off our to-do list. Even getting consent for DIL/NAR can be a nuisance, because we forget how overwhelming such decisions can be for patients’ family members.

The thing is, housemanship is a test of one’s limit. You are being stretched to the bones, until all the life has been sucked out of you. You give away a piece of yourself every day, until you are essentially left with nothing — at least that is how I feel. It bothers me how this profession is still being romanticized and glorified among society, when the truth is, it is not as glamorous as you might think. If parents were to see what doctors in real life have to go through every single day, I think they’d think twice about putting their children down this career path.

Two weeks ago, I was talking with a friend about burnout. He shared with me how his friend quit medicine because the burden was too much for her to handle. She’d come home at night crying herself to sleep, she suffered from insomnia and anxieties. What I find interesting was how she didn’t know the effect it had on her mental health, until she realized that she matched all the criteria needed to diagnose depression. I told my friend how I might be feeling the same way too these days, but I don’t know if I could classify it as burnout.

“Why are you denying it?” he asked.

I hesitated. That question hit me differently. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I don’t realize it too…until I start to see it objectively”.

Times like these force me to question my choices in life. Can I imagine myself working tirelessly my whole life for someone else, constantly being monitored by an authoritative figure, being assessed regularly by superiors, being reminded of rules and regulations, working 16-hours a day, 6 days a week, running on caffeine as fuel, sleep-deprived, and most importantly, feeling unfulfilled? Is it worth it to feel trapped and stuck in a system that treats you like another cog in the machine? I look over my watch a lot these days, waiting impatiently for my shift to end, so I can go home and do the things I actually enjoy.

Society is heavily operated based on established dogmas. That’s how our ancestors managed to survive through millennia. Tribal groups emerged by adhering to a set of principles and ideologies that they collectively believe in. To be different is to be an outcast, which is another word for dead meat.

You are rewarded for following the rules and for being the same as everybody else.

However, we are starting to see a shift in the way we view work, whereby the conventional 9-to-5 job is nothing but a relic of the past. As a 90’s kid, my generation suffers from this tug-of-war game as we transition from the old economy of mass labour and factory-like workers — survival being the main objective of work — into a digital economy of innovation, technology and creation, where the sole purpose of work is fulfillment.

So if I were to be completely honest with myself, what kind of life do I actually aspire to have?

One thing I’ve realized is how I think about happiness. When I reflect on my high school days, it’s always etched with a sense of bitterness. Of pain and loneliness. I remember back then I’d tell myself, “It’s okay, I’ll be happy when I have my degree”. Years flew by and now that I have my degree, I’d still feel unsatisfied, and I’d tell myself, “It’s okay, I’ll be happy when I’ve become a doctor”. And now that I’m a doctor, I’d make the same bargain with myself, “It’s okay, I’ll be happy when I’m a consultant”. In hindsight, this is an extremely toxic mentality to have, and it has been a chronic habitual mindset being hardwired in my brain. I am never happy “right now”. I’m always chasing the next big thing, making plans, and pushing myself to the limit, as if what I have now is not good enough.

Last night, my best friend reminded me this: It gets better once you let go of control and learn to trust. Trust in the natural flow of things. The process. The journey. That something good is in store for you. All while doing something that fuels you, that challenges your creativity, that makes you feel alive, even if it means reading, writing, running, drawing etc. You are not defined by your career.

“Specialization is for insects”.

—  Naval Ravikant, angel investor and founder of AngelList

Similar to how Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin, some things are works of serendipity, and you only realize them in retrospect. It’s happens when you play some random song in the car and hit upon a catchy tune, or when you go for an evening walk, and a cat comes up to you begging for cuddles. 

I personally don’t believe in a conventional God. But somehow when I look at the evening sky, a splash of orange hue and pink tint, I can’t help but wonder if God is actually a painter in his spare time, and the sky is his blank canvas. And that he paints it just for me, because he knows my weary heart.

“I don’t believe in God”.

“That must be so nice”.

“No, it’s not. It’s…lonely”.

— The Half Of It (2020)

If there is one thing that I’ve learnt so far, it is this: I am ever-changing and ever-evolving. What I want 5 years ago may not be what I want right now, and what I want right now may not be the same in the next 5 years. I used to want to be a surgeon, until I go through housemanship and I realize the work-life balance doesn’t suit me. I used to obsessively make plans and goals for my future, with hopes of achieving them on time. Right now, however, I don’t see the point in rushing anymore. To be a victim of society’s rat race and take part in this competition?

I envision a life where I have freedom of choice. I want to have the freedom of time — to do work that I love, wherever I want and whenever I want.

I cannot bear the idea of dreading work every day and being treated like a commodity. For now, I honestly have no idea where this path will take me. All I can do at this moment is to practice what I preach: Trust in the natural flow of things and learn to let go.

Who knows what the future may hold.

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way”.

— Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome