A Love Letter To Heartbreak

One evening, I decided to play our favourite song on Spotify. As expected, the rush of emotions came flooding in and old memories flashed right before my eyes.

Have you ever met someone in your life, and wondered what it would be like, had you not met them at all? What kind of memories would you make? What kind of adventures would you have? Would you ever be the same?

Being a private person by nature, I’m typically not the kind to share my personal life online, especially with regards to love and relationship. But I suddenly felt the urge to express this little part of my life with you. I don’t mean to be cheesy, because the last thing I want is to talk about my feeeeelings.

Although I’m writing about heartbreak, I don’t see it as a lost. But rather, a celebration of triumph — of falling out of, and in love again. This time, with myself.

This blog entry will be my form of closure; of me closing this particular chapter of my life.

Love truly is a double-edged sword — liberating, but suffocating at the same time.

In the beginning, it was all fun and games between us. Being in love felt much like a rom – com movie or a romance novel: The butterflies in your stomach, exploring the city like pretentious tourists, the aches in our cheeks from uncontrollable laughter, the sleepless nights missing each other’s presence.

I never knew the capacity of letting someone experience the deepest parts of my soul, and how terrifying it can be to give in to vulnerability, for the sake of love. I never knew how much of an impact a single person can have — in and out of my life. Because when you’ve shared your whole life with someone and one day, they decided to leave, they take parts of you along with them too. 

In hindsight, we were so young back then. We were at the early stage of molding our own identity, a phase of  discovering about ourselves. About life. About love and what it all meant.

But sadly, we grew up, only to grow apart. We were so busy finding ourselves, that we end up losing each other instead.

Confessions turned into arguments, arguments turned into silence, and silence turned into slow, agonizing separation.

My mistake was letting someone love me, instead of letting me love me.

After numerous breakdowns and disappointments, I start to understand that: You don’t find your worth in another person. You find your worth within you, then find a person who’s worthy of you. Truth is, hurt people hurt people. And those who fill you, can drain you too. So when your relationship becomes toxic, learn to let go. And when they come back, learn to say no. Just because someone desires you, doesn’t mean they value you. Whatever you do, don’t run back to what broke you.

Healing is never easy. Being true to yourself is also never easy. So why let a toxic, deceptive and manipulative relationship ruin you?

It took me a very long time to heal. To forgive. To let go. And to be quite frank, the first few months were the hardest.

Because you feel them in places you both used to visit. In songs you both used to listen. In movies you both used to watch. In things you both used to do. In other couples passing you by.

Self — healing is such a painful and uncomfortable process, but certainly a very necessary one. The time you have for yourself is extremely crucial.

It’s the time to befriend yourself again: Do the things that you love, learn new skills, meet new people, rekindle old friendships, spend time with your loved ones, build your character, read more, write more, explore mother nature. You grow, you learn, you build a stronger you and you prepare yourself for a much better relationship.

As of now, I’m genuinely glad to say that I’ve accepted our fate. It’s true when they say “time will heal”. Because it does. But I personally disagree when they say “forgive and forget”. Because I choose to forgive, but I will never forget. Trust is earned, not handed freely.

So, I’m turning the pages, fast forward to a new chapter,

Where pages ahead are blank,

Ushering the scribble of a pen,

Re-writing the story of a new dawn.

Nothing lasts forever. But isn’t everything in life that way — impermanent?

At this very moment, I will learn to look at you from afar, now that we have nothing to do with each other anymore.

I may not be a religious person, and I’m still skeptical about God’s existence. But for you, I’d pray that you’ll always be happy — with or without me in the picture.

To my past, I bid you adieu.

To my pain, I bid you adieu.

To my heartaches, I bid you adieu.

To my lost lover, I bid you… Adieu.