In my previous blog article, I shared about my thoughts on work and how we are starting to see a shift in the nature of work, from being merely as a means of survival to having a more spiritual meaning.
Ever since the pandemic lockdown, many employees have more autonomy over their time to do things they desire and spend time with loved ones, but I think most importantly, to reflect upon their life choices, life meaning and restructuring their life priorities. We have coined the term ‘The Great Resignation’ to explain this mass number of employees quitting their job in search of personal happiness, fulfilment and satisfaction
I never thought I’d join the bandwagon of employees who quit their job, but I did.
In this article, I’ll be sharing about my whole thought process of how I finally came to the decision of quitting housemanship.
I’ve divided this article into four stages, inspired by a book written in the 14th century, called The Divine Comedy. The book is about the author himself, Dante, being lost and having to find his way towards his destiny. Here, he had to go through the pits of hell, meeting all kinds of demons including Lucifer himself. In inferno, he witnessed various sinners from rapist, thieves, corrupt politicians and deceitful upper class. As he entered purgatory, he saw sinners rejoiced as they were waiting to enter Heaven and finally, in paradise he found the light towards his truth. In this story, I could see myself as I was going throughout the different stages of housemanship, contemplating on my decision before finally deciding to pull the trigger — and resign.
I started medical school in 2014 when I was 19 years old. It was something I’ve always dreamt of. I think part of it was because it seemed like a noble job, and it still is — getting to save patient’s lives and be the hero of the day. And all the glitz and glamour that came with it, you see it in movies and tv shows, and with that “doctor title” in front of your name, people start to see highly of you — they treat you with respect, you are seen as someone capable and trustworthy. Ultimately, I was in love with the idea of becoming a doctor.
Academically, I was doing well in school. I aced all my exams and ranked top in school. And because of that, everyone thought, “Hey since you’re good in your studies, you should be a doctor!” Because apparently when you’re good in school, and Asian, you should only be 3 things: lawyer, doctor or engineer.
So I chose to become a doctor. And I worked hard to make sure that I entered into medical school, and I did. I got accepted into the best university in Malaysia (University of Malaya) and spent 5 years in medical school.
Medical school was a transformative experience for me. I had my fair share of ups and downs, but I’ve learnt and grown so much from it. I enjoyed studying medicine — the learning and reading and discussing about it with peers and lecturers. And I thought I would love working as a doctor once I graduated.
But in hindsight, when I reflected back on my medical school experience, I think I did wonder if this career really suited me. The hours were long, you’re always busy and running around, attending to patients, attending to colleagues. And at the same time, studying for exams and climbing the typical medical ladder from junior doctor, to medical officer, to specialist, to consultant, then to professor.
These days, the admission process to pursue a masters or specialization training is very competitive. Seats are limited, and waiting list can be very long. It can take up to a few months or years, and you have to stand out among the crowd to get accepted. And recently, the change in hiring system from permanent to contract — with benefits such as extra allowances, sick leaves and education opportunities are cut off — only made matters worse.
I already knew the process towards climbing the medical ladder is possible, but a steep and tough one. But to me, at that time, I felt like it’d be worth it. I was proud to be able to be in a profession that is deemed noble and praiseworthy, and when I go home to my hometown in Sarawak, I was being introduced to others as “the doctor”. I was seen with pride and others were talking highly of me. I was becoming someone that others aspire to be. In any case, it really did inflated my ego and I was hooked to that feeling.
I managed to graduate from medical school in 2019. And in 2021, the day came when I was to start housemanship. I was excited, nervous and anxious at the same time, but I was extremely determined to learn, to do good, to be the best at what I do. I strive to be an amazing doctor for my patients, my colleagues, my family.
How does housemanship work? It’s basically working as a junior doctor right after you graduate. In the United Kingdom, it is called Foundation Year, and it takes 2 years to complete. Housemanship has 6 postings or rotations and each rotation takes 4 months.
My first rotation was medicine. On my first day of horsemanship, I was full of fire, passion and energy. The working environment was fast-paced and disorienting, but I was quick and eager to learn. I would wake up at 5am, go to work by 6am, then work work work through the whole day, come home by 5pm or 9pm (if I’m even lucky to go home on time), go to bed by 11pm, then wake up again in a few hours at 5am, and the cycle repeats.
Over and over and over again.
The “tagging period” was the worst. We have this system called the tagging period which is basically like a probation period during the first 2 weeks of a new rotation. You usually start work from 5am — 6am until 10pm, and you only have one day off per week. You’ll be given a list of procedures that you need to complete and an assessment you have to go through with your assigned specialist or medical officer, before you successfully ‘offtag’.
The whole time I would come home feeling so drained and exhausted. I don’t even have energy to catch up with family and loved ones, although we live under the same roof.
We are being burnt out to the core, working endlessly until we are physically, emotionally and mentally tired. From the outside, this lifestyle seems abnormal and exploitative, but from the inside, it has been normalized. “That’s just the way it is. That’s what it takes to be a doctor. This is how it has always been”, and nothing really changes many decades later.
I find this very problematic.
Towards the third month of housemanship, I started to ask myself the scary question — the question that I have been trying to ignore or avoid the whole time: Is this career meant for me? Is this all there is to life? Others would assure me that housemanship is only for two years. MO-ship will be easier. But I see my medical officers just busting their ass off everyday at work — the workload and responsibility they have to carry, the long hours — doesn’t fit the lifestyle that I aspire for myself in the long-run.
It was terrifying to think about because I’ve been planning for this moment my whole life. I wasn’t forced down this medical path. And to think that I’ve made the wrong choice, especially when I’ve been in too deep in this career, it was so a scary thing.
I chose this career, this path, because I thought I was going to love it. But you’ll never know what you love or hate until you dig your feet into it and put in the work. That’s the only way you learn about yourself.
The existential crisis phase. It was a period of isolation, loneliness, depression and confusion. I was feeling so lost, I did not know what to do, where to go, to quit housemanship or not.
But as if the Universe knew what I needed, I was given the opportunity to work for one month in a COVID-19 quarantine centre is nearby my hospital. We were being paid to stay in a hotel for a month, the workload was lighter and working hours is shorter. This time flexibility gave me a lot of time to think and reflect what I really want out of life.
For 4 months, these questions keep on coming up. I was not living authentically. I knew deep down I was not aligned with my values of freedom, honesty, creativity, personal growth etc.
This period of reflection also made me realize that I’ve received my sense of self-validation and self-approval from others through my achievements and success. It was somehow like a protective mechanism for me so that I feel seen, validated, appreciated by my parents, friends and family members. My awards and accolades made them happy, and that was all I ever craved for.
But I wasn’t happy myself.
For 4 months, I came to a conclusion that clinical work is not for me. It is not aligned to my personal interest and the kind of lifestyle that I want to lead or the things that I love to do.
I cannot imagine myself literally dragging my feet to work. I kept asking myself, “Am I doing this because it is expected of me? By my family? Am I conform to the expectations of society? Traditional, conventional, cultural values? Even though they no longer serve me anymore?”
By living this lie, I have betrayed myself.
Beginning the cleanse.
“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. It could be anything or anyone — a person, a book, a song, a movie, an animal etc. One night, during my periods of confusion and thinking what I wanted to do with my life, I suddenly had an urge to check my LinkedIn account and type in “research assistant” in the jobs section. At that time, I was still contemplating about whether I should become a “research assistant” if I choose to resign from housemanship.
As I was scrolling through LinkedIn, I found a post on my newsfeed from my previous lecturer who was looking to hire someone to work on a telemedicine app project he was a part of. Telemedicine refers to the delivery of healthcare and information remotely, and it could be through online video consultations, drug delivery, online educational events or health app services. I was interested with the idea of merging healthcare and technology, and innovating the doctor-patient health management system.
So I sent him my resume and texted my lecturer, stating my interest in joining the project.
After three long days, he finally replied. He said he was delighted for me to join the team in charge of digital media, and I could join all the Zoom meetings to understand what the project is all about.
Long story short, I helped the team design the app user interface and built the app’s official webpage. We also joined the ITEX exhibition 2021, where we presented our app to the judges and competing with other universities in Malaysia. Lo-and-behold, we won the Gold Award!
At the same time, I told my lecturer that I was interested to pursue a nonclinical career and planning to get a related Masters degree that suits my interest. He recommended me to apply for the Masters in Health Research Ethics in University of Malaya. I’ve never heard about it before. So, I did some research on it, and it did pique my interest.
Consequently, I came across Masters in Bioethics. It’s similar to health policy or management, and it’s a marriage of multiple disciplines: medicine, philosophy, history, culture, socioeconomy etc. Bioethics study how all these factors make up the policies that exist today, for example bioethical policies such abortion, euthanasia, medical marijuana, cloning and genetic manipulation. In essence, bioethics is a study of justice and fairness and how we can make decisions and come up with the solutions while adhering to these values regardless of any bioethical issues, all for the common good.
While I was researching for all the other universities and masters programmes that offer this course, I stumbled upon a university in Belgium called KU Leuven. It is recognized as one of the top university in Europe and has been listed as the number 1 most innovative university by Times.
All this sounded very appealing to me. I read the requirements needed before deciding to give it a shot. I completed my motivational letter, recommendation letter and handed in all the required documents.
One month came by, and I received an application email from KU Leuven. My heart was thumping. What could this be? Fortunately, the email stated that I got accepted to study Masters in Bioethics in KU Leuven, Belgium! I was just over the Moon! I felt so blessed and so honoured for all the things that have happened thus far, how everything was starting to come together and fall into place gradually.
Hence, this made my decision to quit housemanship easier.
On the 15th November 2021, I handed in my one-month resignation notice, worked for another one month, before I finally took off the stethoscope that has been hanging like a noose around my neck, walked out the door and left the hospital for good.
And it was the most liberating and freeing moment of my life.
I’ve faced so many setbacks and people questioning my choices. Some even tried to enforce their self-limiting beliefs on me, saying I was making a wrong decision and that I was wasting my medical degree.
All these were meant to pull me down in a way, but I didn’t let my faith waiver in one bit because I just knew deep down in my heart this was the right thing to do. I’ve realized that not everyone will understand you. But that’s okay. I don’t owe anyone an explanation if they don’t even try to understand.
Resigning from housemanship was a sign of me reclaiming back my power and taking control over my life and not letting anyone else do that for me, not being conformed by society, by conventional traditional cultural beliefs that have been holding me and so many people back from their dreams.
Not gonna lie, it was one of the biggest and hardest decisions that I’ve ever made because I know this decision will change the course of my life forever.
But the Universe has been really kind to me. All the things that I’ve planned and worked for are starting to slowly realign. It’s just a matter of time before I can finally see the fruits of my labour.
My task right now is to continue putting in the hard work, believe in myself, and surrender the rest to the Universe.
“I had to fly; I mean with rapid wings and pinions of immense desire”.
— Dante, The Divine Comedy
With that, I’ve also prepared a FREE MINI COURSE for you on the steps that you can take before quitting housemanship. It comes with a worksheet too, as a guide to help you through the whole process.
I’ve gone through this course myself, and it has helped me tremendously. I hope it does for you as well.
Sign up below with your name and email, and get access to the FREE MINI COURSE!
I genuinely wish you nothing but the best in your endeavours. You got this 💪🏻
Email: christalasong@awakenacademy.co
@ 2024 CHRISTAL ASONG