Setbacks…And Unforeseen Progress

Working night shift tonight. Had some time on my hands in the morning for some reflection. Feeling a bit bogged down, still making mistakes…beginner’s mistakes. Inadequate, incompetent, discouraged. Still very much trying to get a hang of things, and training myself to learn actively. Putting a strain on relationships with family and loved ones. Too much caffeine. So little sleep. Not eating or drinking the whole day. Losing weight. Constantly on the move. Patient’s case files always missing. Medication charts missing. Where is the fucking glucometer when you need it?! All the computers are occupied, so many pending work to get done. Patients collapsing, bleeding, desaturating. Oh great, now new patients are coming in, need to review them. Seniors pointing out mistakes. Friends taking last minute MC, need to cover for them. Lashed out on friends. Specialists screaming. Moving on autopilot everyday. Rushing through work. Just want to get it over with. Hustling. Grinding. Panic attacks. Morning review anxieties. Partner questioning our relationship and if I have loss interest. Very heartbreaking. Two compliments from bosses, very uplifting. Coming home to an empty house. Lonely, but relaxing. Good time to recharge my draining social batteries. Asking myself, ‘Is this how I want my life to be? Is it all worth it?’ Still learning not to force things, and letting things flow naturally.

At the end of the day, I have to remind myself in spite of everything:

So what?