I’m Not Always The Nicest…

I’m not always the nicest when I’m exhausted. Because when I’m exhausted, I’m not the easiest to be around, I’m not the easiest to love. I get angry easily. I become reactive, I say things I don’t mean, I hurt the ones I love, I isolate myself while deeply craving for attention, which makes it all the more pathetic.

And when I’m exhausted, suddenly it feels like my months of practicing stoicism and self-affirmation were all in vain. Because when you’re working in a mind-numbing job that doesn’t speak to your soul anymore, and being surrounded by people who constantly puts you down, it’s easy to be burnt out, it’s easy to be exhausted.

August was one of my lowest and darkest point. I’d come home crying myself to bed, silently screaming for help, questioning what is the meaning of all this? Just so I don’t waste my last 5 years chasing after some title to be put in front of my name? Just to have a stable job with a secure income to make everyone else happy, while I slowly die inside and no one’s around to understand because they have problems of their own? Is it really worth it, though?

Deep inside, I was just miserable and unhappy.

But then September came by, and it was my month of awakening. Life working in MAEPS was more chill, and I met amazing people who helped lighten up the load and made the ride more enjoyable. But it also gave me more time to hit pause and reassess my choices in life. What is my purpose? What am I passionate about? What gets me on my feet first thing in the morning? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? What are my goals? What do I want out of this world? What are my values and is my life aligned to them?

Self-help and psychology books became my guides, as I navigate through the messy, emotional state that I was (still am) in. Jiddhu Krishnamurti taught me that I will find the right answer when I do the things that I love. Dr Grace Lordan taught me to think big and visualize the future me that I aspire to become, and make small but consistent actions towards my goals. Dr Remo H. Largo taught me that we are all born with innate gifts and talents, hence, the more we are able to exercise our individuality, the more we can achieve our optimal wellbeing— our highest, truest and most authentic self.

“Exercising your own individuality remains a constant challenge even in adulthood. A child’s wellbeing is impaired when she can’t achieve what she expects of herself in the workplace, and what her managers and colleagues demand of her. She feels overwhelmed, becomes exhausted and, in the worst-case scenario, starts to suffer from burnout. What she needs is for people to respect her individual talents and bring the demands of her work into line with her abilities as far as possible”.

— The Right Life, Remo H. Largo 

 

I asked one of my friend the other day, “What kind of animal do you want to be?” She said a monkey, and I find it strange but hilarious.

My answer, however, would be a bird. Because birds are intelligent, social and loving creatures. They chirp beautiful music in the morning, they build homes for their family and stay together as a community in flocks. But most of all, I envy their  freedom. Their ability to fly and roam freely, wherever they desire without being judged. I wonder if birds realize how lucky they are to be able to do so.

But I pity those birds who are stuck in their cages, because I know exactly how it feels— a suppressed freedom.

The most baffling thing, however, is that most people feel stuck, and yet they choose not to do anything about it. Because going against the herd seems like a scary thing to do, and following the crowd feels safer and acceptable. But then again, all the advancements and achievements in the world are made by visionaries, by people who dare to be different, the misfits who think outside of the box and go after their dreams, despite how ridiculous it might seemed like at first.

“If you aim to be something you are not, you will always fail. Aim to be you. Aim to look and act and think like you. Aim to be the truest version of you. Embrace that you-ness. Endorse it. Love it. Work hard at it. And don’t give a second thought when people mock it or ridicule it. Most gossip is envy in disguise.”

― The Midnight Library, Matt Haig