I QUIT MY JOB (As A Junior Doctor In Malaysia)

I was taking a morning stroll in this beautiful park in Putrajaya, and I was reflecting about my life and everything I’ve been going through in the last few weeks or months, to be precise. And I want to share with you all that I’ve experienced and hopefully, it will resonate with any one of you out there.

Just to put this into context, I’ve recently quit my job as a junior doctor. In Malaysia, we refer to a junior doctor as houseman. It’s similar to Foundation Year in the UK and it takes 2 years to complete.

I’ll share about the whole thought process behind my decision in quitting housemanship in another blog article, but I’ve been contemplating about this decision every single day for the past 4 months. And to be fair, this has been one of the biggest, hardest decision that I’ve ever made. Because I know, once I quit this career, the whole course of my life will change. As you all have heard, once you’re in this medical career, you’re in this game for the long haul — from the moment you enter medical school as a medical student, to housemanship, to medical officer, to specialist, to consultant, to professorship and the list goes on and on and on as you climb the ladder of success.

But it’s funny how 4 months can make a lot of difference. In just a span of 4 months, so much can change, shift, transform. Sequence of events forming, restructuring, aligning to this present moment that I am in. Just 4 months ago, I was feeling stuck, confused, depressed and lonely as hell. I prayed to the Universe, “Give me a sign, just any sign, tell me what to do, where to go, and lead me there”. I journaled a lot, just to put my mind in perspective and give clarity to my thoughts. This job had been sucking the life out of me, and I don’t feel joy in it anymore. I felt trapped, my creative energy and desires on the verge of bursting, to grow beyond this little bubble that I’m living in.

It bothers me how this job is so highly glamorized, but people have no idea the shit we have to go through on a daily basis. It’s ironic because medicine is a study about life, but I feel absolutely lifeless. It’s also a study of humanity, but the long working hours and heavy workload are inhumane in itself.

I’d come home so exhausted, so drained from work, so unfulfilled. I don’t even have time or energy to catch up with my family even though we live under the same roof. I would get too tired to talk to my loved one, I’d come home feeling cranky, rushing to shower and crash into bed from exhaustion, just to wake up again in a few hours to work and the cycle continues. I was becoming someone I wasn’t proud of — impatient and lash out on my friends and people I love. I lose self-control and I let my emotions get the best of me. I knew deep inside this is not me. Selfishly, I expected the those around me to understand my situation, but there comes a time when they too can’t stand my behaviour. After all, they’re human too.

After some days and weeks of deep inner reflection, I realize clinical work is just not for me. I cannot carry on my life like this, literally dragging my feet to work everyday, dreading to get home and crash into bed. I miss my old self, full of energy and life, ideas and creativity.

2020 was the period of growth, and I could feel myself literally breaking out of my shell. What an uncomfortable feeling that was. Expansion and growth is uncomfortable, and that’s why so many people refuse to go through it. That’s why so many are afraid to step into the unknown, because they have no control over the unpredictable, the uncertainty of the future. But most of the time, blessings and abundance manifest itself when we finally decide to take that leap of faith and experience a new world of unknown possibilities. It’s where most of the magic happens.

Little did I know what was coming next. And in November 15, 2021, I handed in my one-month resignation notice, worked for another one month, before I finally took off my stethoscope that has been hanging like a noose around my neck, walked out the door and left the hospital for good. And with it, I left all the things that have been draining my energy — work, people, bad habits that I’ve discovered to numb the pain I feel inside.

It has always been planted in me that the road of life is a straight and linear. You pick a path, and follow it ’till the end. You climb the ladder of ‘success’, success being a term defined and labelled by society— prestige, fame, title, money. You are born, go to school, work, marry, retire and die. As if these will somehow lead me to lasting happiness. But why do I always feel more and more broken inside? A notion I couldn’t really comprehend, leading me spiralling into a pitch black hole I could barely see the light. I’ve been going too deep down this road, just to realize I’ve been fooled by society’s agenda.

It’s a shame that we live in a culture that doesn’t allow independent thinking, especially in an Asian setting. We conform to what our family or culture has designed for us, thinking it’s the only right way to live life. And I’m not a big fan of that mindset.

Apparently, this road isn’t supposed to be a linear one. It’s steep, winding, full of bumps and obstacles. But that is what makes it so beautiful. The sense of wonder, joy and discovery. There are so many variations to how our lives could pan out, depending on the decisions and choices that we make every day. You are only limited by your imagination. You don’t have to understand life. You just have to live it. The only way to learn is to live. So, dream BIG.

I think as we get older, you slowly change and transform into a different person. You outgrow things — you outgrow your job, your home, your relationships, your childhood dreams etc.

I’ve learnt that not all things are permanent. Even life itself is temporary. Some things come into your life for a reason, to teach a lesson. And when you feel like life is not going the way you wanted, one of the best ways is to probably pivot. Sometimes you are put in the worst positions to discover the best solutions or alternatives for yourself.

People always say strong people don’t quit. But I think it takes a stronger person to know when to quit. Nothing is set in stone. You are constantly changing, evolving and as you experience more things in life, you figure out what you love, what you like, what you hate, and what you want to make out of your life — whether it is being a scientist, a painter, a poet, a writer, or even a doctor. Sometimes this phase is necessary for you to reassess life and the choices you make, so that one day, in the near future, hopefully you can reach a state where you are most fulfilled — doing things you actually love, that fuels you, fills you up, and that gives you a bigger purpose in life. Life is finite, and it’s such a waste to live it doing things you don’t love. Pivot is necessary when you believe better things are in store for you once you change the status quo.

You don’t have to have it all figured out yet. But you have to at least know which direction to head towards. Take one step ahead and move forward from there. Keep on moving, persistently and confidently every single day. Everything will start to fall into place naturally.

Unfortunately, most of us see our job as our identity. We become so attached to it, we cling on to it, and once we leave that job, we feel as if we’ve lost our identity, we don’t know who we are anymore without it.

But I am not defined by my job, by my work. I am more than that.  I am a living, breathing person, who enjoys the beauty of life, and wishes nothing more than to explore its depth, and be immersed in its wonders. I will let go of the things that are draining my energy, depleting my spirits. I will stay true to my core, and soldier on towards my path. Not to be conformed by society and its standards. I will clear my mind of all clutter, and make peace with my soul.

I always knew deep down I have so much potential, skills and talents that I can utilize, but every time when I’m at work as a junior doctor, that little spark of joy and inspiration get stripped away from me little by little. I just want anyone to realize that: You can make an impact to other people’s lives and do good in the world, in whatever thing you choose to do. Ultimately, you don’t have to be a doctor to do that.

I’d like to end this article by sharing a quote by Robert Frost, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference”.