Deferred Housemanship For 6 Months — Best Decision I Ever Made

The ships are calling for me set sail into unchartered territory called — housemanship.

After almost 2 years of hiatus from the medical world, finally it’s about time that I return to it.

A few months after completing medical school in 2019, I was actually supposed to start my duty as a junior doctor. But much to my parents’ disappointment, I chose to defer for 6 months instead; and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. To be fair, I was freshly out of graduation, and I knew I needed to give myself a break. 

Education is power, and I firmly believe in that. I was privileged to attain my education in great schools and achieve the things that I have over the last 20 years of my life. But as much as I believe in the education taught in school, I felt like I lacked education about myself. It’s easy to get lost in the oceans of stress from exams, assignments, lectures, revisions; and end up being burnt out after all of it.

But why do we do this to ourselves? I think it’s part of our FOMO culture — the fear of missing out — that we become victims of the modern rat race. We’re constantly peering over our shoulders to see if the other person outruns us. We’re desperately chasing for the next big wave, making sure we get there on time. And like most people in my circle, I was encouraged to follow the traditional route that society has insidiously constructed for us: Born into this world —> Study for 15 – 20 years —> Work —> Marry —> Have children —> Retire —> Die

The sad truth is that, when cultural beliefs have been deeply rooted in us, freedom of choice is nothing but an illusion.

And I too, was a product of this mainstream philosophy. After almost 20 years of schooling, of learning and growing, it’s undoubtedly one of my most formative years. Somehow, along the way, my energy tank was running empty. I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending vicious loop, constantly chasing one thing after another, and not giving myself permission to step back and just breath. And all this pressure to start work next for fear of being left out, when I haven’t even recharged my own batteries. Call it a quarter life crisis, I got confused and I started to wonder, “Is this all there is to life? Is this what I really want?”

After my final exams in medical school, I was just tired.

So, I decided to step back and pause. I vow to not fall into the expectations of society when I know deep down in my gut that something doesn’t sit right with me. I will reassess the journey that I’ve been through, and make better decisions for the new journey ahead. I will give myself time and space, to learn more about myself and to grow; to build my character and decide the kind of person I want to be.

And right after that moment, I decided to get involved in a field that is totally opposite to medicine. I was craving for something new, for something different. I wanted to tap into my creative side. So I started an e-commerce marketplace business called EdaBeran.com with my brother, Moses, and it was a decision I never regret. I had the chance to meet many amazing people, hone the skills I never thought were in me. I was forced to grow in ways that were both painful, but also necessary. I started to write, do a lot of reading, and a tonne of reflection. It was a period of shedding the old skin and blooming into the new. It enforced me to unload my emotional baggage, and release past traumas, past relationships, not only with others but with myself. I started to reflect on the way I treat myself, and the unhealthy, negative thoughts that I would instinctively plant into my head. It took awhile to break bad habits, but I’m getting there.

By building the business with my brother, I’ve learnt so much — communication, business technicalities, self-confidence, leadership, strategising, and working as a team. I explored hidden talents that I never knew existed and honed the ones that I already have. But ultimately, I learn to love myself more despite my shortcomings. Because when you’re busy with school or studies/exams, self-care usually takes a backseat. In a world that desperately chases after titles on a paper, I personally believe we should all do life at our own pace, albeit slower than others. Putting yourself first is so much more worth it, and I had to learn it the hard way. All it takes is to stop, breathe and reflect. Life is a climb, but the view is great (thanks Miley Cyrus).

Fast forward to April 2021, the highly anticipated moment has arrived — it’s time to put on my scrubs and stethoscope, and head towards the hospital wards. To everyone’s puzzlement, I chose to work so far away in Selangor when I could’ve picked the easier route and work near the comforts of my home. But I wanted it that way — I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. May these next two years to be a transformative period of intense focus and resilience to achieve the goals I have set for myself. Mistakes and failures will be made along the way, no doubt. Call me an unrealistic optimist, but I will not let them deter or define me. In the words of Friedrich Nietzsche, “He who has a why to live for, can bear with almost any how”. Despite the suffering, let it be meaningful.

I always ask myself, “What does it look and feel like for me to fully bloom?”. I hope throughout this housemanship journey, I will know the answer.