5 Things To Think About Before Being In A Relationship

Being in a relationship is more than about falling in love. It’s beyond celebrating anniversaries, giving gifts, date nights and feeling butterflies in your stomach. The thing is, we live in a society that glorifies romanticism. Too often we’ve been fed with misinterpretations of love by the media — from the rom-com movies that we watch on TV, the love songs that we listen to or sappy romance novels that we read.

Past experiences have taught me painful relationship lessons that, in retrospect, are absolutely necessary for me to go through. They’ve helped me grow into the person that I am today, and have shaped how I view relationships. While it has always been drummed into us about what to do when in a relationship, I personally think that the pre-relationship phase is just as equally as important.

Hence, here are the 5 things that I think are pivotal to consider before getting into a relationship, and hope they will help you in any way possible.

1. SET YOUR INTENTIONS

Before getting into a relationship, be clear about what you want out of it. But most importantly, why are you doing it in the first place? Is it for love? Or is it lust? Is it for sexual pleasures or out of loneliness? While these are not entirely wrong reasons to be in a relationship, it’s most likely that these types won’t last long. But if that is your goal, then do whatever rocks your boat! The fact is, human beings are social creatures and we live for companionship. And most of the time, we get into a relationship because we want to have someone to share our life with, to grow old and to build a home with (as cheesy and cliché as it may sound). Why must you set your intentions? Too often we go about a relationship, investing too much of our precious time, emotions and energy — only to be clueless as to where we’re heading. It’s analogous to floating in the clouds, but to what end? It’s so vital to ask yourself, “Why do you want to be in a relationship?” and hence, work towards your intentions and build the relationship of your dreams.

2. DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP AND SET CLEAR GROUND RULES AND EXPECTATIONS

This brings me to my next point, which is to define the relationship, and set clear ground rules and expectations. It’s not enough to set your own intentions. The other person has to hear them too and know what to expect when being in a relationship with you (and vice versa). Defining a relationship means establishing how you both see the relationship and determining where to draw the line: Where do you see the relationship go? Are you both committed for the long haul? Will you both stick around despite being in a long distance relationship? Or is it just a fling? No strings attached? Friends-with-benefits kind of situation?

Setting ground rules and expectations are beyond the domestic, house rules such as not leaving your plate on the table after eating or not leaving your wet towels on the floor (lol but like, please don’t do this). It’s about asking these types of questions: What is important to the other person? What are their relationship deal breakers? For example, do they want to get married and have kids? Do they want a monogamous or open relationship? Or is your partner okay with you going out for drinks with friends?

Whatever it is, both sides should be clear about them in order to know what outcome to expect from the relationship and avoid misunderstandings and arguments in the coming future.

3. WRITE DOWN THE CHARACTERISTICS OF YOUR DREAM PARTNER, AND BE THAT PERSON

You’ve probably said to yourself, “I wish I can meet my soulmate”, but have you actually figured out what kind of person you want from a partner? Knowing what kind of partner you are looking for is more than just the physical features, such as beautiful eyes, hot body, smooth shiny hair and clear skin (nothing wrong with wanting this though). It’s about the type of personality that you are after — their characteristics, interests, goals and dreams in life. Do you want someone who is independent and has something going on for themselves? Do you want a more fun and exciting person, to complement your calm and quiet demeanor? Do you want someone who is into the same hobbies as you? Or does it not matter to you? Not knowing what kind of partner you want is like picking up any stranger on the streets and asking them to date you, or being drunk married for a night in Vegas.

All is easy and dandy after you’ve listed down the criterias that you wish out of a partner, however the key component to this step is what comes next — GO BE THAT PERSON. “Like attracts like”, and you will only attract what you put out into the Universe. Become your own soulmate, because in this way, you move out from the frequency of “lacking love”, to “having love”, which is the secret to manifesting a loving relationship! Don’t rush yourself finding the right partner. The right person will come when the time is right and when you least expect it. Determine what you really want, embody that person and set your standards accordingly. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will be willing to raise him/herself in order to meet that standard.

4. BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH SIDES HELP EACH OTHER GROW

As un-romantic as it may sound, I think we should start seeing relationships like a sports game. It’s a team effort, a partnership, not a one-man thing, definitely not one-sided. It’s not all giving, or all taking. In contrast, both sides have to bring what they can offer to the table. Find a partner who will nurture your growth, encourage and motivate you to be the best version of yourself. Not someone who brings you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. It’s not about giving all you have to the other person until you are fully sucked out of life. You shouldn’t give your partner everything, but you should give them just enough…without draining yourself in the process. Arguments and disagreements are absolutely unavoidable when it comes to relationships. Communication, compromise and open-mindedness constitute the nut-and-bolt for a sustainable relationship, for without them, a relationship won’t last. More often than not, we listen to respond, as opposed to understand, and this is where we fall short. Thus, communicate obsessively, forgive mistakes fast and hold each other to a high standard. When a relationship turns toxic, learn to step away and know when it is time to leave. Find a partner who can champion your growth, but not to a point where you become overly dependent for their support. Instead, let them be a place of solace in times of doubt and allow them to enhance the positive convictions that you already have for yourself. You cannot fill others from an empty cup, so it’s imperative that you nurture first the vessel that is you and then everything else will start to fall into place.

Thus, this brings me to my last point, which is — You have to first be whole on your own, before allowing someone else into your life.

5. YOU HAVE TO BE WHOLE ON YOUR OWN FIRST

Before diving into a relationship, it’s important to ask yourself, “Am I truly ready?”. How do you define ready? In my personal opinion, it’s when you know you are enough, with or without the other person. It’s when you have mastered self-love and acceptance. You are independent, as opposed to co-dependent. A lasting relationship can only exist when one person who is already full within, meets another person alike, and they both accentuate that fullness.

It’s when you have your own life going for you — hobbies, passion projects, meaningful work. Too often we expect the other person to give what we want and become dependent on them for our happiness. In reality, we first need to find it within ourselves, so we can subsequently nurture the growth of those around us.

Whether we realize it or not, sometimes we are guilty of subconsciously expecting our partner to meet our needs and fill the void within us. But the truth of the matter is, you will only find someone you truly love if you are perfectly happy being single as well.  You shouldn’t look for someone to complete you. Instead, look for someone to complement you.

“We accept the love we think we deserve”.

— Perks of Being A Wallflower

When you choose to be in a relationship, you are allowing another person into your life — someone you deem worthy and special to share life with. It’s about going through the highs and lows that are part and parcel of life. It’s about working through them as a team and coming up stronger every single time, while always choosing each other. It’s about helping one another grow to be the best version of themselves, and reminding them of their potential, especially in times when they are too weak to realize that. It’s about being around the other person, but also giving them space, to bloom and to achieve their dreams, without disrupting the path that they’ve paved for themselves.

However, as depressing and pessimistic as this may sound, being in a relationship is also about heartbreak — it’s about knowing when a relationship doesn’t serve each other anymore; when love fades; when it brings more harm than good and knowing that it’s only fitting to part ways in order to find yourself again.

I do not claim myself to be a relationship expert, and I still have a lot to learn for sure, but these are just my two-cents and I hope they’ve been beneficial to you in some ways as well.

As always, take care and see you in the next blog entry!