25, And Still Figuring Things Out

One thing I’ve recently figured out is: I haven’t have it all figured out.

I used to look up to my parents, thinking that they’ve everything under control. But now, I realized it’s all probably an illusion.

Even at 25, behind all the achievements, smiley faces and picture-perfect posts on social media, I still suffer quietly from my distorted sense of self-worth — am I good enough?

As harsh as it sounds, I believe this impostor syndrome of mine stemmed from a happy, but confusing childhood: At a young age, I’ve learnt that I am loved, only when I’ve accomplished something. I am loved, only when I am happy. I am loved, only when I am a good girl. I am loved, only when I bury my dark emotions and play the polite courtier. But as time goes by, all these started to backfire on me. On one hand, I was encouraged to embrace my individuality, but on the other, I am occasionally held back from pursuing what my heart truly desires, from what I feel is right for me.

My parents are the most crucial figures in my life. They have shaped me to be the person that I am today, and for that, I am greatly indebted to them. They’ve become my compass growing up, as they help me navigate through the winding roads of life. I understand it was all done out of pure, genuine intentions, based on their own understanding of reality — albeit at times, I do feel their concepts to be obsolete and have thus, left me feeling lost. Suffice to say, I am a victim of the conventions and societal standards that tether my life.

“When women learn how to please, we forget who we are”.

— Glennon Doyle, Untamed

I am distraught to admit that we have succumb to society’s paradigm of the “ideal women”.

As a little girl, I was always taught to be “ladylike” — to smile more often, to be accommodating, nice, polite and patient. While boys were trained to look inside themselves for wisdom, girls were trained to look outside of themselves for approval and validation. To be desired, women are graded based on parameters such as how they look, how they dress, how they walk and talk. It has been drummed into our system that women should be soft-spoken, gentle and sweet. Somehow, these simple notions never fail to ignite the rebellion in me — what if I feel like all those traits don’t fit my authentic nature?

At times, I cannot help but feel that, I am trapped in a world that expects so much of me. I am bounded by the religious teachings of my upbringing, besieged by social conformity and clothed with the heavy garment of expectations by my family. I feel caged, unable to break away from its spell. Yet, I still give it the power to consume me whole. Where did it all go wrong?

As a classic introvert, I guess being sensitive is part of the package. And for a long time, I thought that the ability to feel so deeply and intensely was a curse. Being angry is seen as manly, thus as a woman, it is strictly forbidden. I don’t have the right to my own feelings. As a result, I tend to suppress most of my emotions. I was told to swallow it all up and shrug it off. I am perceived as a failure if I feel sad or depressed, because being happy is how I should be. Just get over it, move on and carry forward, these words would reverberate in my ears.

As women, we have been forced to perform our womanly duties without taking into account our emotions. We witness our mothers submit to their roles as domestic martyrs as they sacrifice themselves for their children, their family and their society, because martyrdom is the epitome of love. We observe mothers put their needs below everyone else and disappear behind the shadows of others, as they slowly march towards the death of self. Instead, we’d call it: a “selfless” act. But what good does it bring if it means making our “self” feel “less”? Why do we still end up feeling unfulfilled, overwhelmed and underwhelmed — all at the exact same time?

Carl Jung once quoted, “The greatest burden a child can bear is the unlived life of a parent”. Because children will only allow themselves to live as fully as their parents have lived. In other words, a child will imitate their parents’ actions, not their words. So, to all parents: Walk the talk. Show, not tell.

There are moments, however, when everything is in place and life feels right. These are moments that I hold onto dearly — joyful times with closest friends and family, intimate sessions with a soulmate, being engrossed in passion projects, or the simple act of being out in nature, while appreciating the little things that make life beautiful.

After experiencing a few personal tragedies, it took me a while to find myself again, to dust off the hurt and rebuild my self-worth. But just when I thought I have healed from my traumas, a simple trigger would bring me back crumbling down again — a negative remark, loneliness, feeling like I don’t belong, unappreciated, unseen, unheard. The spiral of worthlessness would gnaw at me like an infectious, ugly wound.

Just like an oxygen tank behind a scuba diver’s back, when it gets highly pressurized, it reaches a threshold before it explodes. The same applies to our emotions: When we internalize our feelings, only time will tell if it will burst open once it culminates. Consequently, one would resort to all sorts of harmful “remedies” to numb the pain. And in these bleak hours, alcohol and nicotine would become my faithful companion.

It’s no coincidence why emotions are called the way it is — emotion stands for “energy in motion”. You need to let it flow through your system, otherwise, it will intoxicate you.

“I know my religion is bigger than this religion I’ve been handed. I know my sexuality is wider than this category I’ve been given. I know my potential is bigger than the opportunities that have been put in front of me. I know I’m meant to love deeper, I know I’m meant to be loved deeper and realer and truer”.

— Glennon Doyle

Thankfully, I found solace in nature, writing and reading. I found wisdom and hope through inspirational stories in the Internet and podcasts, from people whose experiences are similar to mine. As it turns out, it’s not wrong to have feelings — to be angry, or sad and heartbroken, lost or empty. Being human is not about feeling happy, it’s about feeling everything. I’m not selfish, or complicated, or hard to love, as I was once labeled. My dire soul is simply reacting appropriately and justifiably to a system that is broken, a culturally constructed man-made concept that has played it’s part in the human evolution, that was initially designed to put society in order. In turn, we have been subconsciously trained to give up our individuality in order to keep the masses in the herd, and to protect it from external threats.

“To be happy we must not be too concerned with others”.

— Albert Camus

The social standards that we’ve set for boys and girls are undoubtedly harmful. Women are trained from a young age about what makes a good girl, what makes a good wife, what makes a successful women — the same goes to men. It’s devastating to think how some dreams and potentials don’t get to see the light of day, just because it doesn’t match the stereotypical societal standards. We spend half of our lives convinced that we cannot trust ourselves, that we are obliged to abide by religious dogmas that set our life — our behaviour, what to do, what to think, what to believe in, who to hate, who to love. The notion of right and wrong, good and bad, shoulds and shouldn’ts are all indoctrinated in us by society.

” Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?”

— Charles Bukowski

If I could go back in time and talk to the little girl that I once was, I’d tell her this:

You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a working progress at the same time. You are allowed to have big feelings. Being sensitive means to be truly gifted, for they are the canaries in the coal mine, the writers, the poets, the painters and the thinkers that we celebrate fervently today. Embrace fully the most authentic version of yourself, for only then are you truly alive. The unexamined life is not worth living, thus, never again should you abandon yourself. Never bury yourself — your desires, your dreams, your passion, your sexuality — beneath the seas of social limits and constructs. Love whoever you love, and whatever you do, for love is not about slowly dying, but it’s about emerging. Know that you are enough, and love yourself always, in spite of your circumstances and shortcomings. As quoted by E.E. Cummings, “To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight.” Above all, to your own self, be true.

With all my heart, I hope the little girl that I once was, would look at the 25-year-old me, and say: “I’m so proud of the woman that you’ve become”.